What a difference a day makes!

My life has not always been easy. Who's has, right? But I am blessed to have good friends all along the way. You would think that would be hard for a girl who moved every year, sometimes more than once a year. But I have good friends and one of them is Kim. She just "gets it"--the whole ugly past 4 years that have been crap.
She is my BFF, my fellow Ya Ya, and she was here from Arizona this last week. She used to live here and when we first met I was astonished at how much we had in common. Including, at the time, three daughters!! Now she has a 4th daughter and I have Kian.
Anyway, Kim was here and I cleared EVERYTHING off my calendar for TWO days. I told my kids to pretend I was away on vacation!
You've got to love a friend who takes me to lunch here--

Then says "Let's get pedicures!"
Um, well, I...
"Come on we're going, don't worry about it."
Don't worry about it?! That is music to my ears, All I've done since 2005 is worry about it!!

Then we meet up with the other Ya Yas that are still in Indiana here for dinner. She suggested the Blue Cheese Crumble salad and it was delicious! So thank you again.


It felt so normal to be doing normal things like going out with friends. For two days I was the girl who could go and have fun and not think about all the crap that is my life right now.
On Thursday night LATE we even piled into her car with Calah and Savanna and Kenzie and we drove to the drive-through at Steak and Shake. We sang and laughed at the top of our lungs and we flirted with the "awkward" teenager at the window. It was awesome!!

Thank you my friend for bringing some sunshine into my life and letting me to enjoy some normal days without making me feel like a complete loser. Thank you for being who you are and always feeling comfortable with me and allowing me to do the same.
It made all the difference to me!!

Powerball Anyone?

OK so I'm pretty sure it's not OK to pray for a Powerball win, but at this point it is seriously the ONLY way I see to resolve our situation. I am not exaggerating or over-stating.
These are the facts:
Moving van and driving 1351 miles? $1768
Fuel, food and sleeping? $875 (we need new tires)
Moving into Gramma's basement? one dog, two cats (not to mention sanity...everyone's!)
Winning the Powerball and doing it our way? Priceless!!

Isn't it time for things to turn around?
Isn't it time for tears of joy rather than tears of desperation?
Yeah, I thought so...

Goldie's Family Birthday

Today was Goldie's First Birthday and the Norton's threw her a party along with her siblings. Doug asked if Traci was nuts!



The kids got donuts complete with the birthday candles and the kitties had tuna.

Here are the kids looking for Goldie who "high-tailed" it under the couch!




Here is Phelps and Goldie getting reacquainted. Goldie is mad because Phelps never calls!
The family is together once again, sadly without their other brother Tigger. We don't know where Tigger lives, but we're sure he's happy!
That's Coley with Goldie, Hannah with Boo, Sara with Phelps and Traci with their Mommy Elphie.

Insomnia...a cruel trick

I used to be a good sleeper. I mean once I had kids I was a light sleeper and if something woke me up in the middle of the night I would not be able to go back to sleep. But I remember once Doug saying that he wished he could fall asleep as easily as I did.
Now I may go several days with only 4-6 hours of sleep.
And I know exactly when that happened: September 11, 2001
We had just moved into our house on Sunblest Blvd a few months before. Mackenzie was not feeling well that Tuesday and she had stayed home from school. So I slept in a little that morning. When I woke up, the world had changed.

Someone said "Haven't you heard?" and I turned on the TV to see this. And this was played over and over and over again ALL day long and when I went to bed that night this is what I saw over and over and over again. All I could think about were the thousands of people and what had happened to them. I was horrified and I couldn't sleep.
From that moment on when I can't sleep it's because some picture or sentence or song lyric or part of a random conversation is playing over and over and over again in my mind. Things just keep repeating. It's as if that night, September 11, a part of my brain was unlocked and it has never been shut again. The repeating part of the brain.

Of course the last almost 5 years have given me plenty of images and thoughts that can be repeated. Add to that my fibromyalgia in which pain is likely to keep me awake some nights, pre-menopause in which hot flashes may keep me distracted, or me trying desperately to feed my shopping addiction by browsing eBay and saving things on my list because I can't buy anything and you've got the Perfect Storm for insomnia.

I don't mind the quiet and being able to watch whatever I want on TV and I admit that once I start to hear birds singing I start to get sleepy, but I would love one week of pure uninterrupted, non-drug induced, worry free sleep-until-I-wake-up sleep. I can't remember what that was like, can you?

But I'm pretty sure it's fabulous!!!

I hear the birds singing so it must be time to go try again...G'nite.

Little Explorers Pre-school Graduation

Thursday, May 21 was preschool graduation. It was So cute and yes there were bittersweet tears!
One part of the program involved the kids showing pictures of what they liked best about pre-school and then what they wanted to do when they grew up. There was a Doctor, a nurse, a grass-man, a paleontologist, a couple of Mommies and a Daddy. When it was Kian's turn Ms Sally asked,
"Kian what do you want to do when you grow up?"
"Work!"
Ms. Sally repeated "He just wants a job!!"

How sad is that? :-)Kian and Wesley, one of his favorite friends

Getting his diploma from Ms. Sally
Kian with his teacher, Ms. Sally Lamping...we think she may have been our benefactor. She is an amazingly warm and loving person and perfect for this job!

Kian and Ms. Lori Lorenz, the pre-school director and one of the most generous and understanding people on the planet! We love her!

Drama Queen...

Here I am again...it's May, end of school there will be lots to share! But tonight I want to share Mackenzie's last orchestra concert. I was sad. I love the cello. She has played since 6th grade, but now she had to choose between orchestra and theater.

This is her playing Palladio from the Diamond commercial. It was one of her favorites and for sure mine! She says she hates to practice and so this will just be a good time to quit and move on.
I want to make sure I have that in writing since I have 2 other daughters who are constantly saying "Why didn't you make me stay in dance or music or choir or whatever..."
Yeah, I'm getting this one in writing.
Actually later in the evening I did...kind of...
It was time for awards and we had no idea that Ms Cornet would be giving awards for Drama as well. But the first award was for Best Actress at Fishers Jr. High and it was Mackenzie Nelson!! Her faced looked shocked and my camera was in my purse so I have a picture of her after she is sitting back down :-)

So Yay for Mackenzie and her first acting award...may there be many more to come!! Hopefully, next time Mom will be prepared with the camera!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Mom age 2

Today would be Mom's 66th birthday. As I write this I remember how young she truly was. She has been gone almost 2 years now. I still miss her.
Even though as I've said before, losing your mother is the natural way of things (as opposed to losing your children first) but there is something a girl always needs her Mom for. When Mackenzie made it into the National Junior Honor Society recently I wanted to tell my Mom. She would have been SO proud! Those are the kinds of things that you want to share. I won't be able to tell her all about Kian's Pre-K graduation this week and send her pictures. There will be no "Mam" in the audience beaming because a little boy is "graduating" from pre-school. My great sadness is that Kian does not have a relationship with my Mom or Dad. I can only talk about Mom and share stories and pictures with him.

So now let me share some memories--She got her name Mam from the TV show Webster. She was babysitting a little boy named Brad and he was just like part of the family and she wanted a name that he could call her that would not be formal but was easy to say. Merrilyn was kind of hard for the little kids. Somehow we came up with Mam which I think on the show was short for Madam, but it didn't seem formal at all. It stuck and all of her grandkids call her that.

My Mom, Merrilyn Louise--age 9 months

Merrilyn Louise--First grade 1950

Then there are the things that I never even thought to ask her...

• How do you get the potatoes soft and brown when you are making a pot roast?
• How old was the girl on the Mike Douglas show where you saw my name spelled with a "C"?
• What year was that Ford Mustang convertible that we had for awhile?
• What was your favorite movie?
• Are these Iris's from my grandma or yours?
• What was your first date with Dad like?
• What was your favorite food?
• Do you have any regrets?
• Do you miss me or are you too busy?!
  

I do know some things about my Mom...She loved Reese's Peanut Butter cups, popcorn, swimming, camping and just being outside. She had a super green thumb and I never took advantage of her knowledge. She didn't have a great relationship with her Mom when she was a teenager, so I think she tried really hard to have a better one with me. It didn't always work, but we got there. She loved to read and later I found out, write. She was very loyal and loved fiercely.

My Mom with her parents Betty Louise and Merrill Hansen October 1959

Mom at high school graduation June 1961

She never went to college. She was a Mom when she was 19. She loved her kids and grand kids. She was so beautiful.She loved to talk and she loved to talk about mundane things that were SO tedious! Maybe we always have regrets when someone we love leaves us too soon, but I will forever wish that I had talked to my Mom every day.
She would have loved that, but I was too impatient and conversations with my Mom always seemed to last forever. But then again, they really don't do they?

My Mom and brothers Lee and Frank and me 1970
(Why am I the only one who doesn't match and what is Frank looking at?!)

I know there was SO much more to my Mom that I never bothered to find out. We always think we have forever or we can't be bothered with finding out or we just don't know what will be important when they are gone.
I love you Mom, I miss you.
I know that you are happy now that you are with Dad. I am sorry that your last days were so painful. I am sorry that I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry that I didn't spend more time with you on the phone.
I missed you when you moved from here!
I will treasure our last conversation when you told me how great my kids were and that it was a testament to what great parents they had.
I had the best example...

Merrilyn Louise Hansen Zabel Davis
May 18, 1943--June 22, 2007