What my name means...

You Are Original and Innovative

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

Wow! A lot of this is spot on, but some of it...I'll let you decide which is which :-)
Yes, Vanessa I did steal this from your page!

Twilight the movie

Well, I did it...I went and saw the movie based on the book. I hate doing that and I wasn't going to. It all started with "Playgroup" and the plan for all of us to go together. I was following the crowd, I admit it. Sadly the plan for 8 moms to go see the teen movie in the midst of over-heated hormones fell through, but by then my girls were convinced that I HAD to see it and they were willing to sit through another viewing just so I wouldn't have to go alone. Wow, what great girls have I?!I was in as long as there was popcorn... So I have to say the first 20 minutes or so were the cheesiest most "angsty" thing I have seen on the big screen since Dermot Mulroney fell in love with his step-sister Megan Followes in 1986, but I digress.
For the most part I liked it and by the most I mean Edward and James (the BAD vampire). I was not hip on the casting which was one of the main reasons for not wanting to see it. The people in it are never what you had imagined and seldom are they better than you had imagined. This is who I wanted as Edward and let's face it, no girl would have been good enough for him unless it was me at 17...


But I did enjoy it and it followed the book fairly well. It was still definitely a teen flick,but you're only as old as you feel and last night I felt pretty young :-) And I guess I too would sacrifice and see it again if one of my friends hasn't been able to see it yet! I know...I'm so nice.

Reagan Noel November 16-28, 2004

My dear Reagan
I am sorry
Such an inadequate word
to explain what I am feeling inside.
I feel things
I never imagined I would--
guilt fear anger despair
sorrow and pain.
A pain for you, for me.
This should have been
a Mother's celebration
Instead it is
a Mother's heart break.
You are loved.
You matter to us.
Your time with us
was too short
Your loss to us will
be felt until we are
together again.
I will hold you
in my broken heart until then.
I will wait for the healing
I will love you for eternity.
My baby girl.
My sweet brave baby girl.

Happy Thanksgiving...

So I usually don't like Thanksgiving. I mean I used to love it as a kid. My Dad would get up real early and start the turkey and my Mom would make her famous A-1 and Tobasco with cream cheese dip served with Ritz crackers (it tastes better than it sounds though a few years ago we finally named it the "White Trash Dip").
We always watched the Detroit Lions play football and always rooted for them.
Then I became the Mom and I didn't really like getting up early to start the turkey and Doug made fun of my White Trash Dip and after working in the hot kitchen for hours the meal is over in 20 minutes and then it's on to the dishes. Seriously, does that sound like fun to anyone?!
Then 4 years ago when Reagan was in the hospital Thanksgiving became a defining moment of hope...the day the she was off of oxygen and we thought for sure she'd be home for Christmas.



That was November 25 and she died on November 28.


Thanksgiving would never be the same. I know it's wrong, but it is hard for me to feel thankful when my memories are so full of the loss we still feel.
So I have learned and tried to find gratitude in the little things. One of those is not only a small gesture, but it is an amazing moment. It was the day we (Sara Downs, Marcia French, Nicole Arnold and Kim Spotts) went to dress our baby girl. Her spirit was so strong in that room. It was peaceful. After she was loved and lotioned her beautiful white dress that Patty (Montgomery) made was carefully placed on her. Mark Starnes even came to do her hair :-) Her tiny feet were snuggled into her booties from Kim. She was wrapped in a soft satin blanket and placed in my arms and she was smiling! It was amazing...She had been peaceful before but now in her "going home princess clothes" and in my arms she smiled.
Everyone in the room saw it and we wept at the significance and the joy of a moment like that. I hadn't seen her smile. Now I knew that she had a beautiful, silly, lop-sided smile. We knew that she wasn't alone. We knew that we weren't alone.
And so this year we planned to have a turkey with ourselves and watch movies and probably, on my part, indulge in a little "I wish..."
Especially after attending Sister Kinnett's memorial service in the chapel and going to the cemetery on Wednesday. Wow! That sure brought up a lot of emotions and I was beat after that.
But I have a guardian angel now and so at the last minute we got together with the Norton's and had a terrific dinner at their house!

Kian watching Ben and being amazed...Coley is just being Coley!


Sid and Traci in "turkey deconstruction mode". It was all delicious!

Kian wand Adam having a "slurping" contest.
Kian loved every minute of it and we had plenty of good food, great conversation and a lot of laughs. Not to mention PIE!



So I thank Traci from the bottom of my heart for asking us and I am grateful that my Heavenly Father knows me and what I need.
So maybe I won't hate Thanksgiving anymore. If only I could get someone else to make the turkey!

Happy Birthday Reagan!

Reagan would have been 4 years old today. I know she is happy and so are my parents, but it doesn't mean that I don't still feel the hole that is in our family.
Here are some of my feelings about her from that time...


Reagan Noel came into this world on her own terms--
Six weeks early with her fist in the air! She truly was the most beautiful baby.
When we first learned of her Trisomy 21 I was devastated...I saw my dreams for my daughter vanish. I saw a long hard road for us and a complicated life for her. I thought it wasn't fair that it should happen to us. After receiving a priesthood blessing I knew how blessed we were. I suddenly felt inadequate to be her mother. How could I be trusted with such a valiant and righteous spirit?
Then I realized all the ways she had surprised and charmed us as well as those around her.
Being 5 lb. 11 oz. instead of 4 pounds


Being able to breath on her own right away.
Being able to take a bottle on day two of her short life.
The sweetness of her personality came right through her dark blue eyes.
One of her Dr.s introduced herself by saying,

"Hi, I'm Dr. Laura Neisland. I'm the latest person to fall in love with your daughter!"
All of her nurses in the NICU said...
She is so cute!
She is so good!
She is so Sweet!


Reagan was an unexpected gift. I cannot explain the joy she brought to all of us. I cannot explain my sorrow.
The Friday before she passed away was a wonderful day with her. She had been moved on Monday to the nursery with windows and Calah, Mackenzie and Kian were able to see her in person for the first time. Vanessa was still at BYU-Idaho and was looking forward to Christmas when she would come home. That night as I was getting ready to leave because of the shift change, she was wide awake. I laid her in her bed and I just had to stay because she was wide awake. I knew that she knew me. She knew I was Mommy. Maybe she knew that she wouldn't be here much longer--maybe she was saying, " I'm sorry Mommy. I wish I could stay. I love you." I only know that she gazed at me so long the nurse noticed it too. It was a gift to me that I didn't know I would need.
Our little girl was so brave. She waited so patiently to come to our family. She knew what her life would be and she chose it. We knew what our life would be and we chose it too.

Happy Birthday my sweet angel...I will love you always and miss you until we are all home again.

Out of the mouth of Kian...

Kian: Mom, what starts with Q?
Me: Queen
Kian: Quack
Me: Queasy
Kian: What's queasy?
Me: It's when your tummy feels sick.
Kian: Quasey
Me: Quasey?! What does quasey mean?
Kian: Quasey is when your head is stuck.

Kian: Nini (that's Vanessa) repeat after me...I have no talent.
I guess it's from Spongebob, but it sure made us laugh!

Today we parked next to the Hughes at church and Kian says:
"Mom..."
I turn to look at him and he is giving me the look of a teacher who is giving me a final exam.
"Do you know whose car that is?"
"Yes, I do you little stalker!"
"Sister Hughes!"

A few weeks ago we were driving home from school and he commented on the leaves that were already on the ground.
"Mommy, why are there leaves all over the ground?"
"Well, I guess the trees think it's fall" (technically it wasn't fall yet and he is very technical)
"What are the trees saying?"
Now in the past he has asked all kinds of things like this. If I tell him to leave Goldie alone she doesn't like that he will say "What is she saying?"
If I say "Oh Murphy is hungry" he says "What is he saying?"
So I think I have a great teaching-bonding moment to get him to create what the trees might be saying. I say to him,
"I don't know, what are the trees saying"
Without missing a beat he says, "Trees can't talk Mom"

Hooray for Hollywood!

Tonight Mackenzie performed in the school play "Hooray for Hollywood". This is the same play that Calah was student director for in the 8th grade, but none of it looked familiar.
Brita came to see her and even Kian sat perfectly still for almost the entire thing! We all thought Kenzie did a great job.
After I finally got to hug her one of the parents said to me, "Is that your daughter?" "Yes" "Well, she was great." "Thank you!" "No really, has she done a lot of acting?" "No, this was her first try at it." "Wow! She was so natural. Amazing, I mean she is really talented. I don't know a lot about this kind of thing, but to me she was great!"

His wife behind him was nodding her head the whole time.
Of course I was beaming! Too bad he wasn't an agent!
She was so proud and excited that her first time went so well. I can't wait to see what she does next...it's a musical she'll be trying out for next. That's a whole different ball game :-)
Peyton as Doris, complete with slow--shaky walk. So funny!


Coley as the judge...she did a great job. She had a "judicial speech" she had to do and she hit is spot on!
Ashton (scenery) Peyton and Mackenzie

The cast...